Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
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Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.