Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
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3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.