DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
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If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*