I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
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[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.