ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
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By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
*bites zombie*
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Always a housemaid, never a house.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run