If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
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Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Watson was Holmes schooled
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir