The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
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become ungovernable
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.