Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
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Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Geez man, take it easy.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Happy birthday to all the women
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
A ghost story
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control