Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
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[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”