I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
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The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged