I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
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I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
I wish I were this cool 😂
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.