If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
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[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
somebody come look at this
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Leaving the Barbers like
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.