I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
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(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
THE AUDACITY. 😤