While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
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If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man