I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
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Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Great game to play with friends
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????