Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
You Might Also Like
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
*limbos under the caution tape
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.