DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
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Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Cucumbers Anonymous
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.