You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
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out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.