I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
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[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Catercrombie & Fish
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding