How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
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Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.