I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
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Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
CUTE CAT‼︎
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
let’s discuss
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman: