Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
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Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH