My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
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Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains