dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
You Might Also Like
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?