date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
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Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?