Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
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[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
My background check bounced.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.