Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
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94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Tier 3 meme
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Finally a use for spoilers…
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.