diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
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I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.