I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
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I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.