Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
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They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
cat vs inanimate object
hear me out : pockets for your socks
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
A family that plays together cheats.