Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: π πΎπ π·π΄π°π π³ π·πΈπΌ.
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[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
sir, my pΓ’tΓ© if you please
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Friend: Howβd you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Smells like a challenge to me
Accidentally activated βvacation dadβ by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airportβ¦we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so sheβs carrying around a tape measure and asking, βis this a load bearing wall?β
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
if you didnβt want me to hide in your closet you shouldnβt have said you had the hiccups
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.