What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
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I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
This was my dad’s browser history.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.