Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
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Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!