My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
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Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
🖤✌🏽
Anyone want a chair?
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
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