Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
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Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.