[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
You Might Also Like
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Practicing safe sax
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Just a phase…
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there