Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
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By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Yup
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’