EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
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I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know