UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
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I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Meeeee too!
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.