Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
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My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
pelicons
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I pray every night that I never become religious…
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.