Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
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You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.