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“You drive, I’m tired.”
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
just pretend nothing happened
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
gm
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
How your email finds me
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.