My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
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Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I put the p in pants.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.