Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
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You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Oh boy, $150,000!
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Single and childfree like Jesus
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.