I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
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Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*