[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
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My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
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Hey
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Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.