[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
You Might Also Like
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Not my job 😂
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*