Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
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I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!