Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
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Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
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Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do