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Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations